Self-healing and self-motivation, self-affirmation through active visualization and my personal Holy Mother Chaos.
Self-consecration. The word consecrate means to make sacred or holy. This personal tactic came to me while I was experiencing a portion of life where I felt extremely lost and unworthy. There, in that locked state of depressed repression, uncertainty, and feeling judged or constantly analyzed… watched, I started my process of becoming what I felt I needed to embody to heal using my belief as my tool.
Sitting and feeling, releasing my thoughts and agenda, I brought in an image to mind. A crystalline vessel, a programmable open channel of clarity. I knew I needed to listen to my own inner voices. (My connection to my dispersed SELVES) because the only messages I could hear currently came from the place I found myself in. Standing in what I felt like was quicksand. I needed to affirm to myself that I had worth beyond measure. Not in an outward show of arrogance or aggressive unabsorbed self-confident talk, but privately…to myself, where it mattered. A gesture to my divinity that I so desperately needed to feel. This is how the Holy Mother, my personal representation of the direct connection to my own divinity. She is now a part of my own personal pantheon.
“Oh Holy Mother, bearer of burdens and sorrow. Be my refuge, be my cleansing…”
Prayer to Holy Mother Chaos
-The Cosmic Serpent
“Light our way by showering pain with sweet repose and peace…”
Plan and think with a clear head and a new light.
I needed a consecration. A baptism. A reset. A safe space within myself that I could retreat to when things got too heavy. Not an escape but a rejuvenation, a place of clarity. This may sound strange or be misunderstood easily as thee words I’ve used are usually associated with religion. But as we continue to grow and make practices more and more personal, anything that works for you…WORKS. NO QUESTION. The act or ritual is akin to what we refer to as mental trauma. This shift in the normal thinking pattern surrounding a subject allows the subject or perspective to become something else entirely.
The process I came up with has become a sort of ritual for me. Whenever I need to empty myself from built-up pressure or when I need to remind myself of my own perfection. This practice, more than just a meditation evolved into a way for me to connect to the light that is self, in all its glory. Visualization, stillness, and imagery. Throughout my life, the image of the Holy Mother, draped in her unblemished shroud and her sanctity has always spoken to me. This image, through my visualization, evolved into the image of my personal Holy Mother Chaos. Chaos, the first form, the creative force, the watery womb. These energies combined to form one of my highest versions. This image, perfect and unblemished, constantly generating energy welcomed me as I sat in silence. The beauty of the divine light, the purity in the softness and the stability in the pristine. Consecration…to make sacred. To strip of impurity, to flush out or make new. To in turn fortify with purity. To wash away….to scrub.
I know that at some point most of us have felt a moment of clarity. Beyond just the free space in between thoughts (although those I consider sacred creative spaces as well) but a rebirth, a movement where you were unbruised by your experiences or traumatic instances with childlike wonderment. However, in no way do I feel that this purer state is better than any other. Down in the darkest muddy filthy hell holes, I create life….this is not meant to attempt to purge the practitioner from the darkness. In the depths, in the deep recesses of shadow…beautiful things blossom like lotus flowers in the muck.
To call up this energy I sat in meditation, and thumbed through my journal…pictures stored on my phone and began to recall memories. I remembered all the times I felt purity. All the times my heart sang like a bell, refreshed. When do you feel like that? After __ ? This energy is one of satisfaction, pure blissful ignorance of anything that can or would want to hurt you. Strong clean winds, crisp autumn mornings. Cold winter walks…first snows, the stillness after heavy rain. The sound of a choir in a domed shape cathedral….being surrounded by singing bowls all being played in unison. Jumping into crystal blue water in Florida for the first time. Standing in the rain with my father after we buried our family dog in the woods. He and I just standing. Covered in the mud with shovels…looking up. We both felt it was my mother’s energy. Trekking through dense woods and coming into a clearing made specifically for you it seems. Staring at a pitch-black sky dotted with twinkling stars on a cold night. Release, renewal.
Call upon an instance that when recalled makes you feel like fresh air, clean, shimmering crystal blue, as clear as a bell on a winter day in a fogless town. This is the energy you want to approach your ritual with. Hold this clear, clean energy in your core. Your ritual can be anything you need it to be. For me…always the shower, with the windows open if weather permits…no light. This is my baptism. This is the action attached to the affirmation of a fresh start, a clean slate, opening myself up to spirit. This process for me doesn’t need to be done at any specific time but whatever speaks to you. Just allow all the weight you carry energetically…by your intention and declaration alone to wash or blow away. Feel yourself becoming lighter…fresher…glow from within. This act, of a declaration of the pure essence, also allows for an emotional reset. Here, we are simply ritualizing the practice of lightening your energetic load. This practice always helps me to hear my true voice. Separating the voice of your surroundings, your family members, your spouses, and your programmed playlist….from that of your own true voice. State in your decree… This can also assist with emotional ties or cords to people. This practice is one that I hold very dear as the most beautiful aspect of the subconscious is the ability to heal itself through love. Having struggled, severely with self-love, self-awareness…expression…knowledge of what or who I really was, practices like this really help support your commitment to yourself.
This is the part for anyone who’s struggled. Those that have been their own worst enemy, critic, far crueler to themselves than anyone has ever been to them. Those that have experienced crippling anxiety or those that allowed others or their circumstances to dictate the way they felt about themselves.
This is for the person who never felt like they deserved the space they claimed, always in the way or in the back…super comfortable being an afterthought or just a way station for the emotional dump from more important people. Never wanting to shine, never wanting to be seen but wanting to be seen. I feel like these years, the years I spent purposely in the shadows alluded to the lifestyle at the time. I found sanctity in the dark corners, the inner recesses, and the moonlight.
The life I lived matched. I was loved, cared for and abundant, surrounded by family and truth…but the war wasn’t with my outward expression…it was within.
I always go back and forth on speaking about issues like this. But I decided, I don’t care what the opinions are…if I’m going to heal, I need to go ahead and heal.
This tactic is used when you need to claim the space inside of this vessel as your own. We say, we aren’t our bodies, but what do we believe. When I speak about claiming space inside your vessel, I don’t mean the physical body (although the effects do follow that promote physical care and self-love and heightened states of awareness to your body’s needs) I mean the energetic body. The space within the conscious mind. The space that can become extremely clouded with doubt or fear or the impression from outside. That space belongs to you. I affirm to myself that my conscious awareness, my light…is my own. And whatever I insert there takes precedence. It’s so easy to say think happy thoughts, or love yourself. But if your true mind and your true beliefs don’t match the outward expression will reveal that. Every time. In every choice you make, in every broken promise to yourself or every passed opportunity, regret is a great gauge to measure your level of balance within. If regret is an emotion that takes up a lot of space mentally, you may be out of alignment with your truth. Not that this is a bad place to be, it’s just an offering of a blank slate to be formed.
Creating and defining my own sanctity, purity of intent in my heart through being honest with myself is one of the reasons why I connect so deeply to the nun archetype. These women devote their lives to serving a belief system wholeheartedly and are deemed as pure vessels of the deity they worship. Just the sheer beauty in that fact, being the essence of purity and resets and second chances and light.
Resets, second chances, do-overs all are a part of this process as well. We sometimes want to shun the fact that we fell off, or didn’t stick to the script. There is power in finding out why. Is it just that you lack consistency? That’s not a good enough answer when you are dealing with inner healing. Why? Most things we stray away from….however good they are for us…stem from a fear surrounding it. If you make the commitment to yourself and instantly forget or ignore the commitment…redirect the energy of the normal guilt or indifference into an alternate plan. If we don’t show up for ourselves, our own mental state, our own responsibility, who will? There are amazing truths beyond the realm of what you’ve thought was impossible.
After you’ve worked your magic…live there. Walk, interact, meditate, do mundane things in your new crystalline form. I feel that once I do this ritual, a lot of the issues that could have potentially been weighing on me or sucking up my attention seem smaller, diminished. Not as intense. My speech, my sway, my eye contact my conversation all start to flow easily again.
What we are doing is changing our frequency. Inner Alchemy. We are adjusting and tweaking and cultivating what we emit. As above (inside you) so below…. (Outward life or expression)
Self-forgiveness is a huge part of self-awareness as well. We know better. Of course. But what good does it do to not side with yourself when you go against that. There is always a root a path a reason…a source. Find it, find yourself.
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